Its not everyday you get to know of people questioning your very existence. So naturally, I was quite upset when I learnt of it.
Actually, I was very, very upset.
But I’m learning to look at the bright side. Coz I figured that maybe, just maybe, to some people, I’m too good to be true.
If that sounds very egoistic, I offer no apology. I’m still trying to get over this. 😛
Anyway, for the record, I’m not too good to be true lah. Sometimes, I’m so bad, you’ll hope its not true.
I stared long and hard at the stony truth.
If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have done what I did then.
It’s always like that isn’t it?
But I guess I’m still glad I found out.
Today while bopping my head to a beat playing in my ipod while on the train, I noticed this cute little girl looking at me.
I flashed her a smile.
She regarded me for a while.
Then ran back to her mummy.
And people ask me why I seldom smile. 天啊!!!
I have never dreamed about her. So it was kinda surprising that she suddenly appears in my dream. Although, granted, I was thinking about her for a while last night. At first, I didn’t recognise her. She looked very different physically and had she not mentioned her name in the dream I would definitely not think it was her.
We are at some sort of social gathering, apparently with mutual friends of ours. I don’t recognise anyone except her, and like I said if not for the fact that she mentioned her name I would definitely have not recognised her. It was at this moment I realised that I am dreaming and attempted to change her features to what I have remembered. This is the first time I have attempted to do this; in the past, I have changed the outcome of my dreams, but photoshopping the characters in the dream is a whole different ball game altogether.
I failed. Back to the dream.
It appears that likewise in the dream, we do have some kind of history together. The conversation lead on and I discover the main reason that was keeping us apart no longer exist in the dream. I think at this moment, I was putting in a greater effort to change her features. My mind then jolt itself out of the dream and start rationalising whether its really her or not. In the midst of rationalising, I am jolted back into the dream and it appears we are now in her room.
We talked about getting back together and I’m quite fuzzy over the details here coz I’m not really sure how she became naked quite suddenly. But even her body looked different, it was ugly and have some kind of weird sore like looking things around her breast and intimate regions. She did not appear to be surprised when I asked her what happened to her body. She explained that for her body to be restored to its former glory I will need to caress the areas that are marked with the weird sore like markings and make her feel good. (As I am writing this I’m beginning to wonder if this is my another attempt to fixing her image, coz I’m now incorporated these elements as part of the story script for the dream)
So I proceeded… it was at this moment that this dream ended. (One reason for this abrupt end could be because the dream refused to let itself be manipulated this way, even though I’m not conscious of manipulating it. But it could be my mind’s way of fooling the dream. Damn, this is beginning to sound like a serious mind fark)
I did have another seemingly unrelated dream over a puzzle I was deciphering before I sleept after this dream. I dreamed that a certain someone came to my blog and drop some really good clues as a comment. o.O I don’t remember my dream self ever having a blog, so this may be totally unrelated to the main alternate realilty.
I still remember those clues; if they do turn out to be valuable, I will truly be very afraid.
I have decided to create a dream journal.
When some people call me a dreamer, I usually don’t correct them, coz I feel in some ways I truly am. My dreams are unusually vivid and I am able to know while dreaming that I am dreaming and change the outcome of the dream if need be. My dreams sometimes involve me in a kind of alternate reality, where the people I meet in the dreamworld knows me, and I know them in the dream, but in real life I have probably never seen them before. These alternate reality dreams will often begin as a series and seem to continue in a logical timeline in the dreams.
I will usually dream parts 1,2 and 3 of a series consecutively and the continuation of that series may come a few months later whereby it will be parts 4, 5 and 6. In between, it is possible for a different series to begin, and more often than not I find that it appears to be in the same reality, although I have not really verified this.
Of late, the things I dreamed up in the past seems to have some kind of bearing on whats happening in my life. It is beginning to scare the shite out of me, so I decided that I should start a dream journal. I think it will help maintain my sanity somewhat. 😛
The toughest part about walking this road, is not the loneliness you feel when you have travelled for miles and there’s nary a soul in sight. Its not the despairing stretch of its long, winding and seemingly never ending tarmac. Its not the many confusng crossroads that you’ll eventually come across.
Its not seeing peeps whizzing past you, those who have gotten their wheels and are enjoying a smooth ride towards their destination. You may feel envious, that is for sure, but their smiles and joy actually helps to encourage you to press on, for you know your prize will be just as good as theirs, if not better.
Its not even the numerous bright neon U-turns sign that spruce up so very often, no matter how far you have ventured on. Even though every sign will beckon you to turn back, if your resolve is strong enough, you could always manage to ignore it.
No, the toughest part is meeting people on the other side of the road, those who are making their U-turn back. They, who are downcast, despondent, and dragging their feet. They who will cry out “Turn back! turn back! While you still can!!!” It is tough to ignore these people, because on the road less travelled, you tend to see lots of them. And after a while, you can’t help but wonder if a similar fate awaits you.
I guess one reason why I’ve been able to stay on this road for so long is because when I first started my journey, I wore shades. Why? because silly me thought then that my future’s so bright I gotta wear shades (btw, there’s really a song called “The Future’s So Bright I Gotta Wear Shades”, its by Timbuk3). So seeing this world with a dimmer vision helps to blot out all the U-turn signs and dejected u-turners.
But one can only turn a “blind” eye for so long. And I have long taken down those shades coz the grey skies have been a virtual fixture for quite sometime now. As the next U-turn sign comes up, I do find my resolve waning. I’m starting to run out of rations and water, and the next refuelling point may be too far for me to make it.
Hmm, and guess what, it looks like the road ahead is gonna be uphill for awhile as well.
I should go get some rest. Because 休æ¯æ˜¯ä¸ºäº†è¦èµ°æ›´é•¿çš„è·¯ (rest up so that one can walk a longer distance).
“The picture you see is no portrait of me
It’s too real to be shown to someone I don’t know
And it’s driving me wild
It makes me act like a child”
“Round & Round” – New Order
I hate doing it for the money. But sometimes, the harsh reality of life sets in and you know you can use the money. Of course it doesn’t help that yesterday’s shoot for the corporate video overran and I had to wait for about 2 and a half hours to do a 15 minute shoot. And as I was still trying to recover from my previous bout of flu for an audition (I need my voice, dammit!) today, all this needless waiting naturally doesn’t make me fine company.
The make-up artiste was making small talk and asked if I act for a living.
“I try to act for a living,” was my wry reply. He, like many others, was surprised to find out that I wasn’t under any representation and helpfully suggest that I really should get some, if I wanted to stop trying to act for a living.
I was surprised he didn’t asked me to clap, bang and kiss myself (hehe, can’t help a little dig here, its the virus I tell you :P). But as I had to preserve whats left of my voice, I didn’t really want to explain to him about my stubborn stand, so I just brushed the topic off by saying that its also no guarantee that things will be better under representation. He kinda agreed, saying most of the actors he worked before are also ekking out a living by doing other stuff than just acting.
Having decided I should preserve the rest of my voice, I decided to get into character, so much so that the people around looking at my disposition stopped trying to socialise with me. In the end, I think the lead actor was blown away by my performance, but that was probably because he thought I was just some “extra”…
*sigh* I really hate doing it for the money.
“If you’re a fan of the incredibly addictive Civilization strategy series and haven’t bought Civilization IV yet, you can probably stop reading now to go buy the game.”
That was the first sentence from a reviewer that gave it a 9.4 score, one of the highest score ever accorded. Within days, the game got sold out island-wide, and the three hours I spent trying to hunt down the game will bear testimony to that.
When I finally got the game and poured through its more than one centimetres thick game manual, I was surprised to find an open letter written by Soren Johnson, who is the Lead Designer and AI Programmer. The content of that letter made me realise that this game above all else, was a labour of love.
And yes even though I’m the kind that ä¸ä¿¡é‚ª, I have a feeling I may need to sign up for “Civilisation 4 Anonymous” soon…
“It may feel so real inside
But don’t forget it’s just a ride”
Like I said before, I’m not a music aficionado/connoisseur/or whatever you called it these days, I’m more of a movie person. So once again, the ever so helpful staff at the CD shop said that I’ll probably liked this singer (based on what I’ve bought before) and guess what, I do dig her manz!
Then again, it could be because the song reminds me of “doing the deed” (especially the lyrics quoted above :P) …
While I was weaving dreams, a part of me always kinda feel the whole process of doing up an entry, and then creating the necessary RSS feed, as well as the permalink (although the url of the permalink can only be known from the feed) was a wee bit tedious. Sometimes after a hard day’s work, with lots of things on your mind, you just wanna pen your deepest thoughts down and not be bogged down by the technical aspect of doing so (yes I know, there’s always the pen and paper :P).
So pressing words kinda helps in this aspect. Of course, there are still certain technicalities to it, and there are cetain things I cannot do as easily as before, but I think on the whole, its all good. In fact, I think I am starting to pick up the Greek that is HTML coding, just by pressing words.
Its always good to learn new things. Coz they help you stay young.
