21 July 2005, Thursday

I Remember You

"Walked out to the sound of drizzling rain,
The wind whispered and I thought of you..."

She changed her name. She changed her appearance. But the air around her still feels the same. I had swore never to return. And yet here I am.

In a way, I did not go back on my word. This shouldn't count. You no longer exist. And yet...

Maybe it was because the company I was with had that one thing in common with you. Maybe our memories here are just too strong and like malevolent phantoms, they lurk in the darkest recesses, waiting to pounce on me mercilessly once I let my guard down.

Maybe I never really wanted to forget...

"Come check out this new place with me on Friday night", she smsed.
"Eh, only the two of us?", was my pensive reply.
"Yes, and you must promise to have one drink with me", her words echoed ominously.

I knew better. I could see where all this was leading. Was I proud to think that I was strong enough to resist? Or was pride an excuse to hide my weakness? Did I dismiss my misgivings because I could be wrong, or was it a lame excuse for me to give in to my desires?

We arrived and she headed straight for the bar. The drink she ordered for me was the strongest one available then; named aptly for laying one’s inhibitions to rest. And she insisted I could only drink from her mouth. Did I choose to ignore what was laid bare for me to see or was I truly ignorant? Was I as dull as a moth flying towards her obvious flame?

She had perhaps sensed my hesitancy, for her embrace was almost too urgent. I was smarting from the awkward clashing of our teeth; the cold bitter taste of the poison that poured eagerly from her mouth, my only balm. A poison that would gradually turn warmer and sweeter as the taste of her grew stronger in the mixture. A poison that would ultimately sear through the deepest part of my soul.

I felt her tongue, cold and lonely, teasing mine shyly for the warmth and company it sought. Warmth and company that mine was only too willing to provide as it ventured forth seeking hers, which by now had already retreated back into forbidden territory.

She pushed me away suddenly. “See, you are kissing me. You kissed me back. Don’t deny it,” her tone was pensive, vulnerable. Don’t deny it anymore.

I couldn't. I just couldn't. I could only kiss her again.

We danced, our thighs in between each other, our bodies intertwined and moving together. You seemed so happy. And yet you still had doubts, if not why did you shoved me away so suddenly in the middle of our dance? Why did you ask me to look for women more deserving than you when you know I was already yours?

Were you doubting because you thought I had gave in too easily earlier? Or were you giving both of us the chance to back out while we still can without getting too hurt?

I chased after you. You continued your tirade, still egging me to leave you there and then. You stopped, finally, in front of a railing overlooking the dance floor. I was standing right behind you, you knew that, yet you refused to face me. I caged you in, my left hand clasping your left side of the railing and my right hand clasping your right side of the railing. You knew you could still escape; I had given you that much room.

Yet, you made no attempt to free yourself. You started dancing softly. I started to dance too, carefully avoiding contact with you, fearful of changing this status quo.

I cannot remember how long we danced this way that night. I can only remember you turning around finally; your smile shining through the tears brimming in your eyes as you put your arms around me.

We danced the rest of the night away. And that was how we began.

You were right, Angel. These memories were meant to be kept, not forgotten.

Staring at crystallized teardrops in my heart |