Now Showing : The Believer

23 September 2004, Thursday

Is that You, God?

Today, while resting in between bench presses and thinking about all the shit that has been happening to me and around me, I thought I heard a voice telling me "You are my son, whom I love and am proud of." Don't know if its really from God, but I remember feeling very touched. If it really was You, God, thanks. I really needed to hear that.

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21 September 2004, Tuesday

The Inner Circle and other circular theories

Its been a while, so a quick update to bring to speed some of the things that have been going on. I guess I will start with the important one first. Last week, my pastor was hospitalised because he was having too much calcium in his blood. Yesterday we learnt that he was stricken with myloema, a form of cancer of blood cells and there was supposed to be a prayer session for him today in the hospital.

Halfway there, Adrian, my brother-in-christ called me and told me that the prayer session is for errm, church "council" members only. Excuse me, we have a council?! Granted that the church was only formed a few weeks ago (in the sense that it was only officially approved a few weeks ago), I was very surprised that a council have been set up. No, I am not bitching about me not being in the council (in fact, I am kinda glad they didn't ask me). But I am miffed that I didn't know about it and more importantly, I don't really see why they would only allow council members to pray for the pastor. I thought at this crucial moment, they would have welcomed anyone who wanted to pray for pastor. Unless of course they thought that the ordinary church members' prayers are not 'powerful' enough for this session. If this were to be true, then this kind of elitist behaviour really really bothers me.

One of the reasons why I left my former church was because I felt that the church was cultivating some kind of elitist attitude, and the church leaders were already treating the lesser members in a very high-handed manner. If you are not for us, you are against us, seems to be mantra they are preaching when I left. Now I wonder if this new church is going to have the same kind of elitist attitude as well. You know something, the founders of this church used to be from the same former church that I was attending. And yes ironically, I think one of the reason why they left the church was also because they could feel this elitist attitude forming....

Anyway, even though I was "barred" from attending the prayer session, I still prayed for the pastor on my own, as this pastor is quite close to me. The thing that ilk me was that this prayer session was supposed to be hush hush, and inadvertently, one of the council members misunderstood the whole thing and leaked the news out to Adrian. My opinion is that this council member did no wrong; in fact I can tell his heart was in the right place. I think my pastor needs all the prayer help he can get. So if you feel compelled to, please help pray for my Pastor David.

Adrian was telling me that a lot of people kenna spiritual attacks lately, even his cell group got lots of cell members kenna left right center. BTW, Adrian is not from my new church, but rather he is still in my old church. We used to be in the same cell group while we were in the old church and part of the reason why he didn't leave with the rest of us was because he cannot bear to leave his work in the church's children ministry. The other reason which he hinted to me at one time was because the church leaders were preaching something like it is a grave sin to leave the church without the leaders' blessings. And yes, they didn't gave their "blessings". So technically speaking, we, who have left, have committed a grave sin. And if I didn't know better, I will expect some of these leaders to 'gloat' over my pastor's fate, saying that its punishment for committing the "grave sin". But since he only hint, I guess I am only guessing what he is hinting.

But if I guess correctly, does it mean that I should be quaking in my boots? That I have committed some grave sin that God is going to punish me, if he hadn't already done so. Maybe all the auditions that I have been to lately but failed to land a part is punishment from God for committing this "grave sin". But errm, what sin have I exactly committed? For leaving a church whose direction and preaching is going against everything I had believed in? And as far as I know, the only true unpardonable sin is grieving the Holy Spirit. How does leaving a church equals to this? Its not like I am renouncing my faith right?

Oops, I think I digressed a bit. I was saying about how Adrian thinks we are all under spiritual attacks lately, self included. To me, getting spiritual attacks is a good thing. No, I am not a masochist; let me explain. To me, it means that whatever we are doing must be really important to the Lord and that it must have been going on very smoothly such that the evil one must do something and make us sidetrack. If that is the case, I would like to know what is it that I am doing that is so important that I can attract this kind of attention man. So I guess I don't think it applies to me leh.

But maybe hor, it applies to my pastor. His setting up new church must have found much favour in the eyes of the Lord so he kenna from the evil one. So if that is true, then the theory that he is being punished will not hold water lor.

But seriously lah, I don't wanna dwell on all these, coz I have found out that discussions of this nature are usually very lengthy and inconclusive. I just pray that my pastor pulls through this and get on with doing God's will in his life.

Ok, now to not so important things. Remember I was telling you about my crummier role? Well I was praying that God gets me out of it, and that if it was His Will that I really shouldn't go through with it anymore, He will arrange it such that my next shoot for that crummier role will be in the middle of my reservist. Hehehe, I got my prayer answered. In a week full of rejections from auditions and disappointments from Christians and love (see ep 12), I guess that's a little silver lining.

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8 September 2004, Wednesday

God's Mysterious Ways - Really, really mysterious....

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, says the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

If you can recall last week I talked about leaving the fate of a good role in God's hands. Well, I think He said, "No." for I didn't hear from them again, and the scheduled date for filming it has long passed. I did however got two crummy roles in return. Actually, they didn't sound too crummy when they were given to me, (and I don't know if I am too trusting or too desperate at that time when I heard them) so I accepted them only to find that I have been grossly misrepresented.

Now, I have been conned into accepting such roles before, so its no biggy in itself. But you gotta admit the timing really sucks. Right after not able to do a good role coz I need to protect this unappreciative country (will be a blog for another day on this), I get two crummy roles as consolation. Its really no consolation, and its times like this I wonder what is He up to.

I mean I prayed about the whole dang situation and even about those crummy roles, and I still end up having them. So it must be His plan right, to want me to do those roles, which for the life of me, I cannot see where it will lead. Actually I think I can. I think I see it leading to more crummy roles. :P

Don't go and tell me everyone must start somewhere ok. I did, and I don't consider myself to be "starting" anymore. I had paid my dues back then when I was starting out and I know what kind of roles would be simply a waste of time for me and my money. Yes, money coz I can earn more money doing other projects, and furthermore these roles don't even feed my "soul", dammit.

I tried to be positive about it and went for the shoots, but I end up feeling more frustrated than before. My first role got crummier coz I suddenly got relegated to being a mere extra with no speaking lines (if I had known this would happen you would have to kill me to agree to do it, and I still wouldn't do it coz I would be dead). My second role was as crummy as I expect it to be, but the situation got crummier when the EP (exec producer-very big shot) of the production saw me on the set and told me that if I didn't do this current role, I would have been perfect for the lead in the next episode!

So not only did I not get to do the good role, I got two crummy ones in return; one of which got crummier, and now,it turns out that if I had turned down the second crummy role, I would have ended up with a meatier one. It really doesn't look like somebody up there likes me very much.

Nevertheless, I tried to figure out His intention here. Maybe its a lesson on humility. I mean, even though I already have so many lessons on that, I could be still not humble enough. Yeah, its possible. But even if that is the case, I think there must be other ways to do it other than this. Furthermore, I don't feel humbled by this experience. Instead, I feel more arrogant, coz I am now even more determined to turn down crummy roles in the future.

Or maybe I heard him wrongly, and I wasn't suppose to accept the two roles at all. But I got pray that I don't get this kind of roles leh, so how to discern when I specifically prayed not to have to discern in the first place? And no I seriously don't think its a test of some sorts.

*Sigh* I am consoled only by this : "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." (Roman 8:28)

Who knows, maybe His whole plan was to make me blog about this. If that was the plan, then it is mission accomplished, and I hope you have learned something from this. For me, I'm still looking for answers.

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30 August 2004, Monday

In God's Hands :

I bumped into a friend this afternoon, whom I have not seen in months. She was asking about my near non-existent acting career and when I told her its still quite non-existent, she asked me why I have not gone to talent agencies.

I agreed with her that I may get more opportunities through talent agencies. In fact, I would advise other actors to try and get into a good talent agency too. So why am I not practising what I preach? Coz I believe God is my casting agent. And I won't change to another one unless He tells me He doesn't want the job anymore.

The way I look at it, God's sevices are quite cheap leh. Firstly, there is no sign-up fee. Secondly, He charges only 10%, and He lets you pay him later. Moreover, I have the added peace of mind that the roles I get are approved by Him, since that is the prayer I make everytime I go for an audition.

Because of this, people in the industry have always treated me weirdly. I recalled one audition I went and the casting director saw that I put under agent : "God". She then called out to me "You are from WHERE again? G.O.D.?!!" I had to point my figures to Heaven before she got what I was talking about. It was really quite a surreal moment.

Anyway, this afternoon, hours after I met my friend, I got a call from Mediacorp 8, who are actually offering me a named role for the first time. I get to play a wooer of some girl in a drama series, and this is seriously not a bad role. This is the second time they are asking me, coz the first time they asked me, one of the filming dates clashed with my reservist period. Actually, the dates still clashes, so I am not sure why they called..... But it seems they are trying to see if they can work out an arrangement.

And so I wait. And pray. And leave it in God's hands once again.

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22 August 2004, Sunday

My little testimony :

If you ask me today, what's so great about being a Christian, I would tell you, it can be really not great at all. I would tell you that it does not mean your life would be a bed of roses and I would not promise you a rose garden. So why do Christians go around asking people to be Christians? Are what they preaching lies? Is it all hog wash?

No, its not. Just because I start with the bad first does not mean all the good that you have heard does not exist. It does. I, too, have experienced many of God's blessings before. From the moment when I accepted Christ as my Lord and Saviour, I can recall the many blessings that God has given me. And I would tell you, so can you.

But if you go away thinking that there is all to it, then I fear you have misunderstood me. I am afraid that when God chooses to answer your prayers with a "no" or a "not yet", you will end up feeling hurt and cheated. And because of this, you just might turn your back upon Him forever.

So I am going to tell you of my relationship with God instead, which is really a vital part of being a Christian. And I would leave it to you to decide for yourself if you want such a relationship.

I first get to know God in a missionary school. During the early days, all I know of God is that He's someone to say "Amen" to; and you have to bow your head when you are talking to him and that he enjoys songs that are seriously not pop song material.

I only really got to know Him during my 9th Good Friday, when a mentor and friend explained to me why this Friday is really Good. I remember coming away feeling very indignant for Christ and how I told my friend then that even if all those ungrateful people don't believe in Him, I will. So me and Jesus became friends that day (sort of). Life wasn't a bed of roses then, and while I slowly begin to learn how to communicate to Him, I found Him to be more and more like a cosmic buddy. So, slowly, bit by bit, we went through my (then) tough times together.

Our relationship took a hit during my teenage years. Girls, peer pressure, studies, parental objects and heavy regular doses of teenage angst took its toil. My cosmic buddy also seemed to be going through the same phase and started not to be around as much as anymore. You know how is it when friends let you down? But you make up and be friends again later? Well, it was kinda like that. But I can still feel us drifting still. He, however, dutifully played the part of a friend that will always try to keep in touch with you. Some favours here, some favours there, so that I know He's still around and waiting for me to call back.

I called back after those awkward teenage years and NS. Even though I have always treated the Lord as a cosmic buddy, it was only during my varsity days that I would learned God desires to have a relationship with me. And that relationship would extent to more than just being a cosmic buddy. I learnt that He is our Heavenly Father too. And you all know how fathers can be. And how you hate it when they start to discipline you. So it was during this times of discipline that you find life is not only a bed of roses, it can really be a bed of glass thorns at times. But like any good discipline you received, you know its meant to make you better.

In recent years, I begin to discover another aspect of my relationship with God. I learnt that not only is He my buddy; my Heavenly Father, but He is also my Creator. And I am his work-in-progress. I am sure all of us must have created something before. It may be a complex piece of art, or it can be a simple paper aeroplane. Whatever it is, I am sure that we wanted our creation to be the best that it can be and for it perform its function well. Take, for example, the paper aeroplane. We make one and want the plane to look cool and fly forever, if possible. The key thing here is love. When we create things out of love, we want it to be the best. Ever.

So if God is my Creator, and I am created out of God's love, He will want to make me the best that I can ever be. He will want me to fufil my purpose in life, the purpose that He has set out for me. But He can only do that if I am willing to be moulded and shaped. Like making a paper aeroplane, if the paper was as hard as a thick cardboard, can you see how much harder it would be to make it?

My relationship with God now is one where the creation learns how to trust the Creator and let Him shape me further. It is by far not an easy relationship. If you can imagine how terrified the silver ore is when facing the furnace that will purify it, you can imagine how potentially terrifying the creation process can be. But I can bear testimony that He certainly does not dish out more than I can bear, for after all, I am still being created out of love.

So to finally answer your question on whats so great about being a Christian? I would tell you its about knowing a great God. Its about knowing that you have a Creator who have created you out of love and who will endeavour to make you the best that you will ever be. That to me, is the great part. And of course, the occasional blessings here and there don't hurt either.

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