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Life verse : 1 Cor 9 : 19-23

God is my casting agent. When you pray for a good actor, He will send me. (No lah, this is not what the verse says :P)

3 July 2005, Sunday

The Journey - Part Deux

Dear God

Its been a long time since I've written anything here, so I thought it might be a good idea to write this an entry as a form of a letter. Just to spruce things up a bit. Even though this is supposed to be a progress report of sorts.

Firstly, I will like to thank ya for all that have happened so far this year. When the year started, I really didn't know what to expect. Actually, I did, I kinda was expecting the worst. But thankfully, You have not made it out to be so bad after all.

You must have known the first few months of the year was tough. Especially the first quarter. I was not getting paid for my projects from the prior year. New projects were only trickling in and there was a real danger of not getting any work for the next half year. I was worried and had already begun looking for new sources of income.

On the acting front, there have been lots of false hopes. It was beginning to look like a dead end. A few minor roles here and there. One advertisement. A severe lack of note-worthy casting calls.

No money, no opportunities. But yet I kept trudging on, scared shitless that if I have to turn back, I would probably not be able to make it back in one piece. Oh how You must have been tired of my incessant complaints then. Sorry lah, I was really in a rut.

On the "spiritual" side, it was not going too well too. I found myself not learning much from the church I was attending, so much so that I dread attending it. But because I cared for the well-being of a mentor, I decided to wait until he got better before I break the news to him that I would want to look for a new church. At the same time, I was also hoping that I may change my mind about the church in the months to come.

As You would have known, that didn't happen. In fact, I actually stopped attending church regularly. Because of that, I know I have not worship Thee properly these past few months. Yeah, I think I have back-sliden.

Thankfully, the worst seems to be over for my mentor (thanks for answering all our prayers affirmatively :P), and I think I will inform him of my decision soon. I know I need to find a new spiritual home soon, so help me keep a lookout ok?

On the same topic, even though I have already told You many times, I still have to say again how disappointed I am with some of the churches in S'pore. I've always wondered why You allowed their existence, allowed them to stumble both believers and non-believers. I know lah, Your ways are above my ways and Your thoughts are above my thoughts, but STILL?!! Ok lah, I'll stop ranting liow.

Its not You that I'm losing faith over, its Your "church". Sigh.

Changing subject, I don't know if its from You, but somehow I had the impression that the corner will turn after my birthday this year. And in a way, it kinda did.

Things started to look up after my birthday. My previously unpaid projects got paid. I manged to land some pretty decent income generating projects to compensate for those that I have lost. In the end, somehow, I still manage to eke out on average the same income level as the prior year from my projects and acting assignments. And on the acting front things are looking up again :-

a) 2nd Lead role on national television
b) 1st product endorsement advertisement
c) Doing more advertisements in the past 3 months than I've ever did in my past 4 years.

Just when I thought all might be lost, You stepped up to the plate once again man. Haha, indeed You are Jehovah Jireh man. But what is really scaring me shitless is the (well, maybe just mine) perceived impact of the commercial. I'm not sure if this is the Hebron You are showing me Lord, but I'm asking You to guard me soul jealously all over again. Just in case I didn't make myself clear enough the other time.

I am also having this impression that You are slowly restoring all that You've allowed to be taken away from me. I don't know if this impression is indeed from You, or if this is what You have intended but I thank You all the same. For all that You have done for and to me so far.

What was it that the wise guy once said?

Two things I request of You
(Deprive me not before I die):
Remove falsehood and lies far from me;
Give me neither poverty or riches -
Feed me with the food allotted to me;
Lest I be full and deny You,
And say, "Who is the Lord?"
Or lest I be poor and steal,
And profane the name of my God.
(Proverbs 30 :7-9)

Wise man, that Agur. And yes Lord, this is my prayer too.

That's all for now Lord. Don't be a stranger ok?

Souly yours,

Vincent

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14 November 2004, Sunday

The Journey - Part One

Yeah its been ages since I checked in here and I guess the cobwebs are starting to collate. But I needed time to stop, think and reflect a bit, so the result is the post you see below :

It has now been slightly over a year since I begin my ‘pilgrimage’, and it looks like a good time to stop and reflect upon the things the Lord has done for me over the past year or so.

It’s a good time also coz I’m in a rare ‘very eng’ (means nothing to do) situation. :P

I guess it all began at a church retreat where I was given some very weird verses. The first one was Genesis 12 : 1-3 and the second was Matthew 6 :33. The Matthew verse wasn’t so bad, I mean its been preached often enough right?

The one that puzzled me was the Genesis one. I mean, this was like the command God gave Abraham to go to the promised land man! What does this got to do with me?! So since I didn’t know at that point what it meant, I kinda ignored it.

It was only two months down the road that the relevance of the verse hit me. And it was kinda like a divine revelation too. I was at a crunch time, trying to decide to go freelance fully or continue helping out an ex-colleague in his business. Its like stable income vs super unstable income (if any), but the thing is I needed to go freelance to really have time to act the better roles. (Not that I was getting better roles at that time, mind you).

While I was agonizing over this, the Genesis passage suddenly popped into my head. As I have already dismissed the passage there and then, I was quite surprised that the verse would suddenly pop into my head.

I knew then that I had God’s blessing to go freelance and continue my acting. I am not sure if acting is the land where He will show me, but so far, I would say the signs are encouraging.

Following my decision to go freelance, I had my first lead role (Incredible Tales), a major part in True Courage where I managed to get some decent acting credo and Missing, where I got some more acting credo.

There were other milestones as well :-

I had my first named role in a sitcom, Durian King.

I finally touched base with Channel U. (which is kinda irrelevant since they are merging now :P)

I was a lead (again) for a Ngee Ann Poly student film which again got me some decent acting credo.

I actually managed to match my previous annual income even by doing freelance work. (Its not much, but its still something :D )

Pretty good huh? I thought so too.

Thank you, God, for the past one year.

So what next? I seriously don’t know. I would like to say that things on the acting front are still looking up, but the fact of the matter is that I haven’t had a decent role (i.e one that I will be proud of ) for months already.

My other freelance projects are also slowing down. I am beginning to wonder if I can still continue like this.

But even as I get bogged down by all this, I get a certain sense of deja vue. I remember going through all this before, and I now have on record God pulling through for me. He is Jehovah Jireh, is He not? And He has demonstrated that to me time and time again.

I guess I was really hoping that at the end of one year, I will know for sure where is the land that He will show me ( I hope He hasn’t coz I still don’t know where).

In the meantime, I can only pray that my current path leads me to where He wants me to go. If I continue to seek the kingdom of God and His righteousness, I am sure I will end up somewhere there, if not somewhere near there.

I hope I can reach there before all my hair turn white :P

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22 August 2004, Sunday

My little testimony :

If you ask me today, what's so great about being a Christian, I would tell you, it can be really not great at all. I would tell you that it does not mean your life would be a bed of roses and I would not promise you a rose garden. So why do Christians go around asking people to be Christians? Are what they preaching lies? Is it all hog wash?

No, its not. Just because I start with the bad first does not mean all the good that you have heard does not exist. It does. I, too, have experienced many of God's blessings before. From the moment when I accepted Christ as my Lord and Saviour, I can recall the many blessings that God has given me. And I would tell you, so can you.

But if you go away thinking that there is all to it, then I fear you have misunderstood me. I am afraid that when God chooses to answer your prayers with a "no" or a "not yet", you will end up feeling hurt and cheated. And because of this, you just might turn your back upon Him forever.

So I am going to tell you of my relationship with God instead, which is really a vital part of being a Christian. And I would leave it to you to decide for yourself if you want such a relationship.

I first get to know God in a missionary school. During the early days, all I know of God is that He's someone to say "Amen" to; and you have to bow your head when you are talking to him and that he enjoys songs that are seriously not pop song material.

I only really got to know Him during my 9th Good Friday, when a mentor and friend explained to me why this Friday is really Good. I remember coming away feeling very indignant for Christ and how I told my friend then that even if all those ungrateful people don't believe in Him, I will. So me and Jesus became friends that day (sort of). Life wasn't a bed of roses then, and while I slowly begin to learn how to communicate to Him, I found Him to be more and more like a cosmic buddy. So, slowly, bit by bit, we went through my (then) tough times together.

Our relationship took a hit during my teenage years. Girls, peer pressure, studies, parental objects and heavy regular doses of teenage angst took its toil. My cosmic buddy also seemed to be going through the same phase and started not to be around as much as anymore. You know how is it when friends let you down? But you make up and be friends again later? Well, it was kinda like that. But I can still feel us drifting still. He, however, dutifully played the part of a friend that will always try to keep in touch with you. Some favours here, some favours there, so that I know He's still around and waiting for me to call back.

I called back after those awkward teenage years and NS. Even though I have always treated the Lord as a cosmic buddy, it was only during my varsity days that I would learned God desires to have a relationship with me. And that relationship would extent to more than just being a cosmic buddy. I learnt that He is our Heavenly Father too. And you all know how fathers can be. And how you hate it when they start to discipline you. So it was during this times of discipline that you find life is not only a bed of roses, it can really be a bed of glass thorns at times. But like any good discipline you received, you know its meant to make you better.

In recent years, I begin to discover another aspect of my relationship with God. I learnt that not only is He my buddy; my Heavenly Father, but He is also my Creator. And I am his work-in-progress. I am sure all of us must have created something before. It may be a complex piece of art, or it can be a simple paper aeroplane. Whatever it is, I am sure that we wanted our creation to be the best that it can be and for it perform its function well. Take, for example, the paper aeroplane. We make one and want the plane to look cool and fly forever, if possible. The key thing here is love. When we create things out of love, we want it to be the best. Ever.

So if God is my Creator, and I am created out of God's love, He will want to make me the best that I can ever be. He will want me to fufil my purpose in life, the purpose that He has set out for me. But He can only do that if I am willing to be moulded and shaped. Like making a paper aeroplane, if the paper was as hard as a thick cardboard, can you see how much harder it would be to make it?

My relationship with God now is one where the creation learns how to trust the Creator and let Him shape me further. It is by far not an easy relationship. If you can imagine how terrified the silver ore is when facing the furnace that will purify it, you can imagine how potentially terrifying the creation process can be. But I can bear testimony that He certainly does not dish out more than I can bear, for after all, I am still being created out of love.

So to finally answer your question on whats so great about being a Christian? I would tell you its about knowing a great God. Its about knowing that you have a Creator who have created you out of love and who will endeavour to make you the best that you will ever be. That to me, is the great part. And of course, the occasional blessings here and there don't hurt either.

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